Possible Jim Rome Spinoffs

Let's get right into these tweets:

Jim Rome is both the host and contestant in an analysis-heavy dating gameshow that allows him to showcase his rhetorical skills and his ability to answer live calls from viewers all while choosing the love of his life.

Watchability: 2/5
Plausibility: 3/5
Network: ESPN2/ABC
Timeslot: Primetime

Jim Rome is forced to confront his own mortality by managing a struggling crematorium during funeral season (probably not a real time of year).  He finds he needs to be tough but fair with his employees and he creates real and meaningful relationships with each of them.  The real fireworks come when he has to console the families of the deceased live on the air.

Watchability: 5/5
Plausibility: 2/5
Network: A&E
Timeslot: 9-10pm

Jim Rome cooks each week for a family that is down on their luck.  His subpar cooking skills are made up for somehow by his presence and post-dinner life chat with the parents about getting their lives back on track.

Watchability: 3/5
Plausibility: 5/5
Network: ABC
Timeslot: Primetime

Jim Rome narrates a documentary about Women's Rights that spans from whenever Women's Rights started to the present.  He is incredibly cynical and disrespectful.  Women end up hating all men everywhere.  It quickly becomes a Lifetime daytime staple.

Watchability: 5/5
Plausibility: 1/5
Network: Lifetime
Timeslot: Early Afternoon (Lifetime equivalent of primetime)

Jim Rome is a dealer at the featured table during a World Series of Poker event.  He is forced to moderate both the conversation at the table as well as the phone calls of whoever watches poker on ESPN2.

Watchability: 1/5
Plausibility: 4/5
Network: ESPN2
Timeslot: All day, every day

Jim Rome and a couple other guys with huge biceps, no sleeves, and mustaches hang out in a shitty garage and drink beer while analyzing babes and muscle cars.
Despite the manly premise, Rome and his cohosts regularly approach the segments with slumber party levels of excitement and squealing.
Segments: Chugs & Jugs, Motorbabe Mayhem, Alone with Rome, Backseat Babes

Watchability: 5/5
Plausibility: 4/5
Network: SPEED
Timeslot: 10pm

Jim Rome's quest to become Burning Man's official mascot is chronicled in this three part mini-series.
Part I: Jim interviews Burning Man enthusiasts and learns about the culture.
Part II: Gets into character and starts ingratiating himself to the major Burning Man players.
Part III: Jim ends up naked and hallucinating somewhere in the American Southwest nowhere near Burning Man.  He claims that he finds "the real Burning Man, man."

Watchability: 5/5
Plausibility: 1/5
Network: Indie Film
Timeslot: Debuted at some weird film festival

Rome puts out a series of PSA's about sexual health.  Although the title suggests that these would be lighthearted, in reality they are very gritty and sexually explicit.  Rome warns against the dangers of double penetration and stresses the importance of safe words.  Eventually the PSA's become 30 second blocks of Rome regaling the viewers with his own sexual conquests and darkest childhood secrets.  He ends every PSA with his controversial and misleading tagline, "I'm Jim Rome.  Keep it casual, you guys."

Watchability: 5/5
Plausibility: 2/5
Network: Youtube
Timeslot: Millions of views

Jim Rome hosts a 15 minute behind-the-scenes sneak peak look at the summer blockbuster Real Steel.  Expect interviews with directors of photography and cheesy scenes where Rome is in a black jumpsuit with white balls feigning ignorance about computer graphics even though everyone has seen that exact process reenacted dozens of times.

Watchability: 5/5
Plausibility: 3/5
Network: Disney/Top half of the TVGuide channel
Timeslot: Every 45 minutes

Watch the Throne: The Official Review

Fresh threads and fresh beats.  Let's do this.

I haven't listened to something I would consider to be real rap music in a long time.  I'm going to take on the critically acclaimed "Watch the Throne" which appears to be a joint effort from Kanye & Jay Z.  Off to a good start; I enjoy both of these artists.

(not going to link to the songs because I assume the links will be dead in a few days)

Track 1: "No Church in the Wild" (feat. Frank Ocean)
As if two artists weren't enough, let's clown-car this bitch by cramming three full grown men into a four minute song.  Kanye just ordered me to never fuck anybody without telling him.  Thank God for Twitter because I can't be calling him all the time.  Because I have sex.  All the time.  But what's a king to a god?  And what's a god to a non-believer?  So many questions but no answers on this stinker.
Rating: 0/1

Track 2: Lift Off (feat. Beyonce)
I wasn't listening very closely, but Jay Z just said something about making his dick soft and then Beyonce (his wife??) kept singing inspirationally about takin' it to the moon.
Rating: 0/1

Whatttttttttt

Track 3: "Niggas in Paris"
Will Blogger even allow me to post this now?
Rating: 1/1

Track 4: "Otis" (feat. Otis Redding)
Jay Z rapped about drug dealing the entire time.
Rating: 0/1

Track 5: "Gotta Have It"
I can't take it seriously when Jay Z talks about strong arming women and "mummy wrapping" children.
Rating: 1/1

This is probably what he means.

Track 6: "New Day"
The obligatory song that shows that the rappers are actually self-aware...
Rating: 1/1

Track 7: "That's My Bitch"
...immediately followed by this song.  Good job, guys.
Rating: 1/1

Track 8: "Welcome to the Jungle"
Was actually hoping this would be a cover or a cameo.  Forgettable track even though the beat was very solid.
Rating: 0/1

It's about time somebody tried this again

Track 9: "Who Gon Stop Me"
The whole album should be like this.
Rating: 1/1

Track 10: "Murder to Excellence"
Kanye rhymes "black guys" with "black guys" in what I'll refer to as the real black-on-black crime in this song.
Rating: 0/1

Track 11: "Made in America" (feat. Frank Ocean)
WHO THE HELL IS FRANK OCEAN?
Rating: 0/1

Frank Ocean = Singing Donald Glover

Track 12: "Why I Love You" (feat Mr. Hudson)
I almost didn't listen to this track because of the title and Mr. Hudson.
Rating: 1/1

Mr. Hudson

Takeaways:  Not what I thought it would be but still a solid album.  No Pitbull.  So that's good.
Final Score: 6/12 (Two thumbs up)

He's about to yell at them in auto-tune

Heatpocalypse 2011

We are all in the midst of the infamous Heat Wave of 2011.   Do you hear that constant buzz in the background?  No, no, it isn't a swarm of locusts coming to end this heat plague with a more bearable punishment; it is the collective voice of idiots citing the last week's temperature as irrefutable evidence of global warming.  

Big props to Amy for surviving this long in the heat as she dealt with it in Chicago, during her drive, and now again on the coast.  Stay strong!  Only a few more days until you get to bask in the glory of A/C and enjoy the rocky beaches of Long Island Sound.  Gatsby was full of shit; the Long Island Sound is not a great body of water to live by and probably poses major health risks if exposed for prolonged periods of time.  I now hesitate to think of him as 'great'.  

Anyway, back to the point of this article.  What?  I haven't stated what the point is yet?  Very astute, reader.  

Bill's Top 5 Ways to Beat the Heat:

1. Ice - Ice may be the most coveted substance on the East Coast right now so stockpile as much ice as you can find.  Put it in your drinks, put it in your hands, rub it on your fat dog, barter with it, eat it raw, but whatever you do: DON'T LET IT MELT!
2. Drink Water - When your ice melts (and it will), I recommend drinking it.  The human body sweats out up to 42 gallons of fluid a day in this kind of heat so stay hydrated!
3. Blender Drinks - Water is for babies and the elderly.  Benjamin Button joke.  Take your ice, rum, fruit, juice and today's secret ingredient and put them all in a blender.  Hit the 'Liquify' button and watch your blender turn that terrible mixture of food into a delicious summer drink.
4. Beach - I know I was ragging on Long Island Sound earlier, but that was mainly to fit in a Great Gatsby joke.  The beach is a great place to spend the hottest days of summer because heat = bikinis.  
5. Stay indoors - Don't go to the beach, you idiot.  It's hot, sandy, and the water is gross around here.  What was that Gatsby guy talking about, am I right?  Just kick back, crank the A/C, and watch episodes of Wilfred on OnDemand.  Seriously, you all should watch that show.  Dog humor at its best.

Well that's all the ambition I have for now.  Stay cool, you guys!

 Bill

What this...blogging concept?

Firstly thanks to the most tech savvy brother for creating a forum for us to store our madness for public discussion. Many blogs have started or spread revolutionary uprisings, some blogs have launched the author to fame or fortune, other blogs have brought humor into otherwise monotonous days. Whether the authors intended these outcomes when launching the blog is unknown but they have proved to be very powerful with the right mind at the wheel. This blog is starting as nothing more than an experiment of a few siblings exploring more of the interwebs. When we happen to spawn revolutions, accumulate millions of followers or get our jokes ctrl + V'd all over the Internet...twas not our original intent. Here goes nothing...

I am currently living in Canada, interning at a management consulting firm for the summer. The work is legitimately interesting, the people are very smart, the pay is fantastic but the hours are shit. By shit, I mean leave the house at 7 am, return at 11pm. Shit. That is an 80 hour, 5 day work week. There are clearly downsides to this schedule so I will cover the limited upsides. There are two that I can see, I welcome any I may have overlooked.

1) Free Food - If we work past 8pm we are allowed to bill our dinner to the client. Great policy, 100% behind it...I am going to be so fat. So far the menu has consisted largely of sushi, some noodle joints, Greek food, Nepalese, filthy pizza, Korean, etc. If you know a consultant who is not completely overweight, you can safely assume one or more of the following things:

1. Said consultant works for a firm that does not hold this policy - they should upgrade
   
2. Said consultant does not work past 8pm - wtf mate?
   
3. Said consultant works out like an absolute animal to stay in shape - you should fear him / her
   

2) I am never home. Normally this would be a bad thing, but my living situation for the summer is probably the worst thing that has happened to me in the last year. I lead a very rough life. The place is in a very safe, suburban area of Toronto and is close enough to the subway line that I cannot complain too much. However it has significant downsides - The mud room / kitchen / entryway / living room / den have been conveniently combined into a single room (the 'MRKELRD'). There is a washing machine, a bar (with an obligatory snake carved into the top), a nice leather chair and a stove within 3 feet of each other. I can look past the cramped quarters as my dorm room at school was about 300 square feet. However (there is always a catch): the roommate has awful hygiene. The level of filth is not improving as I only have a few weeks here and am not investing any time/capital to make improvements. Being away from home due to long hours on the job have actually become a blessing and I recommend any future interns to adopt a similar strategy for your summer. Having recognized the two upsides to my internship, we will now discuss an experiment I am now accidentally conducting. (next slide please)

The experiment is a product of my shit hours and the roommate's love of composting. He left for a week of vacation and did not empty the composting bin, which I always neglect because he manages it. After roughly 3 weeks of rotting fruit and vegetables sitting idly, I noticed there were fruit flies EVERYWHERE and made the mistake of opening the lid. Holy shit. Biblical swarms of fruit flies cruising the aforementioned MRKELRD. Being ever-curious, I watched them to see if there were habits I could exploit in order to slaughter them. They appear to have the mental acuity of warthogs and were completely random. Figuring I could exploit their tendency to land on anything, I went straight to the google machine and discovered that "fly paper" is actually useful for catching flies. Makes sense eh? Another site recommended using vinegar. Unfortunately both of these required me to go out of my way to stop the swarm. Knowing that my bedroom has an airtight seal from the MRKELRD and the flies seemed to prefer the kitchen to the bathroom, my domain was safe for the time being meaning drastic measures (ie. walking to the store and spending canadian monopoly money) could be delayed. I decided to be a naturalist and see how many flies the spider who lives near the sink could snag. As it turns out, he is a rock star. He has been slaying these flies for about a week now, repaying his life-debt to me for not squashing him. It is truly symbiosis at its finest and an argument in favor of those saps who never kill anything.

That felt pretty good for a first hack at blogging, I will study up on some of my favs and try again next week.

YouTube Reward for Reading This Far: DJ kittens

Blog Time!

Hey guys,

Finally got this bitch rolling.  Hope you guys had a great 4th.  I'm working on giving everyone access and sprucing the place up a little bit.

Let's make this the best blog on the internet!