Watch the Throne: The Official Review

Fresh threads and fresh beats.  Let's do this.

I haven't listened to something I would consider to be real rap music in a long time.  I'm going to take on the critically acclaimed "Watch the Throne" which appears to be a joint effort from Kanye & Jay Z.  Off to a good start; I enjoy both of these artists.

(not going to link to the songs because I assume the links will be dead in a few days)

Track 1: "No Church in the Wild" (feat. Frank Ocean)
As if two artists weren't enough, let's clown-car this bitch by cramming three full grown men into a four minute song.  Kanye just ordered me to never fuck anybody without telling him.  Thank God for Twitter because I can't be calling him all the time.  Because I have sex.  All the time.  But what's a king to a god?  And what's a god to a non-believer?  So many questions but no answers on this stinker.
Rating: 0/1

Track 2: Lift Off (feat. Beyonce)
I wasn't listening very closely, but Jay Z just said something about making his dick soft and then Beyonce (his wife??) kept singing inspirationally about takin' it to the moon.
Rating: 0/1

Whatttttttttt

Track 3: "Niggas in Paris"
Will Blogger even allow me to post this now?
Rating: 1/1

Track 4: "Otis" (feat. Otis Redding)
Jay Z rapped about drug dealing the entire time.
Rating: 0/1

Track 5: "Gotta Have It"
I can't take it seriously when Jay Z talks about strong arming women and "mummy wrapping" children.
Rating: 1/1

This is probably what he means.

Track 6: "New Day"
The obligatory song that shows that the rappers are actually self-aware...
Rating: 1/1

Track 7: "That's My Bitch"
...immediately followed by this song.  Good job, guys.
Rating: 1/1

Track 8: "Welcome to the Jungle"
Was actually hoping this would be a cover or a cameo.  Forgettable track even though the beat was very solid.
Rating: 0/1

It's about time somebody tried this again

Track 9: "Who Gon Stop Me"
The whole album should be like this.
Rating: 1/1

Track 10: "Murder to Excellence"
Kanye rhymes "black guys" with "black guys" in what I'll refer to as the real black-on-black crime in this song.
Rating: 0/1

Track 11: "Made in America" (feat. Frank Ocean)
WHO THE HELL IS FRANK OCEAN?
Rating: 0/1

Frank Ocean = Singing Donald Glover

Track 12: "Why I Love You" (feat Mr. Hudson)
I almost didn't listen to this track because of the title and Mr. Hudson.
Rating: 1/1

Mr. Hudson

Takeaways:  Not what I thought it would be but still a solid album.  No Pitbull.  So that's good.
Final Score: 6/12 (Two thumbs up)

He's about to yell at them in auto-tune